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Archive for the ‘cynical pov’ Category

When someone introduces a useless idea (or one that is narrow in scope) on the Internet, it gets linked, picked, praised, talked about till the transformation from a phenomena to sheer bullshit is complete.

I am taking about Wolfram Alpha. Because among other places, it has been talked about here , here and here.

I have heard enough things about Wolfram already, including the awesomeness of narrow, focused search and a smarter alternative to Google. Isn’t it what is being said about Kosmix and Deep Peep. What, you didn’t know that? Have you been living under a rock? Oh. Sorry.

The first thing you have to understand is, that for the general internet population, Wolfram is fucking useless. When you truly look up something that is going to change your life in this website, drop me a line. And when that counter hits five figures, I will remove this post.

I have a simple test, quite childish but it has an unusually high success rate. I call it the Bird Sex Test. I started it when I was in seventh or eighth grade, when I asked my biology teacher question from the very back of the class – How do birds have sex? Amidst the laughter in class, she was not amused and threatened to take action against me if I didn’t behave. One girl told me birds don’t have sex since they lay eggs. I heard she is now living in a forest with a parakeet as her husband and her small but vibrant community includes Kevin Costner living with a Wolf, Mel Gibson living with a dog, Robert Redford living with a horse and Kanye West living with what is assumed to be a gay fish.

See where I am going with this? No? Sorry. If you suspect someone of being a bore, prude or just getting to know someone, ask the question – How do birds have sex? Usually I find it worth my while to stick with people who either give me a factual scientific answer or the ones who give a crazy funny answer (e.g In the same awkward manner like me, except without the alcohol…oh…that gives an idea I need to go to the pet store tomorrow).

Wolfram Alpha, of course, failed the test.

Wolfram Alpha birds 0

While Google aced it. (That’s 3 76 0000 results for you!)

google-birds-3 76 0000

That’s why nothing can replace Google, somewhere some kid is searching for shit like this and no one can satisfy quite like Google.

The second test I have is the verb test. Xerox has it. Google has it. For instance, no one finds it creepy anymore if you tell them that you Googled them. It’s assumed whatever you put online will be read by people whom you really don’t want to. Tell someone that you Wolfram Alpha’d them – they will run to the nearest cop. Or ask you what kind of sexual position is that and will their vital organs be functional after?

Seriously, Wolfram Alpha is a stupid name for a website claiming to ‘compute the world’s knowledge’. Not to mention the ultimate testament to the fucking ego of the guy who started this. This makes me wonder, how the hell did this useless idea get such free press? Did he hire Jesus as his publicist? No. Oh, it must be Scott Boras then.

Okay I admit, Wolfram Alpha is about numbers. And the saying usually goes that numbers don’t lie. This is the mantra spitted out in all MBA schools. I should know, I took classes in one. The ugly fact is nothing actually lies more persuasively than numbers. The current financial crises should be enough to prove that statement.

Still not convinced? The Goons will convince you what an exercise in futility this Wolfram Alpha thing is.

wolfram01Despite everything, this is still only the second worst thing to come out of Britain this year.

UPDATE: Microsoft has made a huge splash about Bing – their yet to be launched search engine. They are going for the verb thing but are somewhat behind because Urban Dictionary has already defined Bing for them. And the required plug-in, an NYT article ends with this priceless acronym for Bing – But It’s Not Google! Haha!

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The Australian Childhood Foundation has done a “creative” poster. I am assuming it’s from JWT Melbourne. And I’m also assuming this is not fake. Because I do want to live in a world, where the love of awards makes an advertising agency convince a Childhood Foundation to do this to a child.

aus-child-abuse-ad

Via

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Life has been difficult for WSJ for years now. It was taken over by a mongrel from Down Under, conservatism committed suicide, McCain chose Palin, Tax cuts suddenly stopped being the be-all end-all cure for economic messes and even the words on its mast head ‘Wall Street’ fell down a notch below ‘Crack Whore’ in society. So how does Crack Whore Journal react to the A-Rod steriod scandal….well check out the link address.

wsjsucksinsportscoverage1

The link is STILL ACTIVE

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Not sure if this is real, but this kick ass is awesome. Because Circuit City always sucked. And this is the funniest price war ad I have seen in a while. Via

best-buy-sarcasm

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Must you indulge in scam ads too, Amnesty? Apparently, the German arm of Amnesty International is very concerned about slave trade. So concerned that they did this in an airport, you know, to stop slave owners from picking up their slaves.

amnesty_afp466

Extra points for sending a photographer to document the guy who was documenting this.

Via

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This billboard won’t make any sense, since, if everyone knows the winning numbers, everyone will buy the same ticket and no one will be absolutely or absolutly happy about it.

absolutwinning3

Via

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Burger King has done some superb stuff with it’s King mascot and the whopper freak-out videos were priceless in terms of marketing excellence. So I was eagerly looking forward to their latest effort, which will be fully released later this week. But the preview of it leaves me just confused.

The premise is this – BK makes a documentary style video of people in different countries trying burgers for the first time and the choice they have is a Big Mac and a BK Whopper.  This is summed up, as BK says in the website Whopper virgins, as ‘If you want a real opinion about a burger, ask someone who doesn’t even have a word for burger.’

Really? What’s this? An anti-expert testimonial? Why does BK expect it’s audience to believe someone who knows next to nothing, not just about your brand but even the entire category? I guess I will hold judgment till the whole thing plays out.

Watch the preview here:

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